A while back over at Dooce she had a post that asked the question: what is more difficult marriage or motherhood? My quick answer was motherhood hands down and I’m still sticking with that answer. Of course, this could be just in my world. Being a mother of twins it was always a bit overwhelming even from the start and now that they are teenagers, oh baby please. Also the marriage thing always felt like it had an out. Which is funny for me to say since I've been married for 19 years through many ups and downs, but it's different somehow from the forever of motherhood. Strange.
Sometimes I feel like the blog world is so full of happy shiny babies and well starched husbands that it would almost make a woman think that it’s all a breeze. But we do know better don’t we? It’s not all crafty days and Tiffany blue boxes. More often than not it is: where did the day go? Should we order in again? And did he seriously buy me that?
But back to the point, I guess it really comes down to what stage you are in life as to how you would answer this question. Is there a real answer? What do you all think out there? Opinions please. I love them.
Sidebar: Obviously the octuplets’ mom is clearly from the camp of marriage being harder because she is quick to have a baby, the marriage thing? Not so much for her.
Sidebar 2: Dear Twins, When you are in therapy moaning about me later please get it straight. It’s not because I didn’t think you couldn’t do anything. It’s because I believed you could do everything.
Sidebar 3: Just to keep this about writing and such, what are some of your favorite books or movies that deal with motherhood? One of mine is Terms of Endearment. It gets me every time.
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20 comments:
My father always says, shaking his head, "no harder job than that of being a mother, and no greater the reward of children." He oughta know having 7 of his own and always a display of hope, humor and strength even during the toughest times through 60 years of marriage, but hey, who's counting? :)
Favorite movie about motherhood: Steel Magnolias. Sally Field kills me in that last scene at the cemetery.
A truth: Married 21 years to a (now) very challenging man, who brought 5 kids to the marriage. I had never had any, nor did WE have any. Now they are grown and gone and he has issues. Getting thru them with difficulty and professional help. A work in progress.
My mom once taught a class on mothers and daughters. She's a sociology professor. Part of the class was a weekly movie night, which I attended. We watched lots of interesting things, like Mommie Dearest and Peyton Place, but my hands down favorite was Aliens. Great mother/daughter movie!
I think they are equally difficault, I know I can't say both. But I think if you go into marriage and motherhood realizing its tough and takes alot of work, the rewards pay off. Married 20 years I love him everyday I like him today ! Child one everyday is a new day!
I have no kids, so I have no comparison. I can say that being married to the right man sure makes marriage a whole lot easier.
I don't have kids.
I've been married 22 years. Yep, we get on each other's nerves, but I still adore him.
I think each one has its own difficulties. All things in life has its ups and downs. (Hows that for a non-answer).
I completely agree with Anonymous. Steel Magnolias is my all time favorite movies- and it has a major mother/daughter theme.
Good post. I have been with my husband since I was 15. He was my first boyfriend. We have been married 11 years. I am very happy, I love more than anything..but yes it takes work, and time. But us knowing that its forever leaves no room for anything extra. Motherhood is harder because what you are teaching a virgin mind is what that person will be. Good, bad. Mothers always feel bad, or to blame when their kids do something that you know you didnt teach them. Kids learn how to love, and be based on what they live with.
I am underqualified to comment, lacking kids of my own (yet), but am barging in to say I like this post. This is a sticky question, one I imagine provokes some controversy, so I appreciate your straightforward take on it.
ooo Kwana a sticky question indeed!! I agree with Anonymous and Kaitlyn's Momma about Steel Magnolias....surprisingly my Dad was very much like Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest.... he was very overly meticulous, shall we say.....
Re marriage v motherhood.... both are hard work requiring steadiness, trust and compassion!!
Such a good question! Motherhood to me is more difficult just because whenever you start to feel comfortable in the groove, they throw a curve ball at you. You can never keep up!
Love your blog - thanks so much for visiting mine!
Kwana- I'm sure motherhood can be a tough task at times. My hat to all mothers. I don't have children so I wouldn't know first hand from experience. I'm guessing to some degree like marriage and friendships it can be trying at times but we take the good and the not so good days. We love, and nurture so that our relationships grow deep and strong just like gardening in time the rewards pay off. xoxo
I love the painting!
Great post Kwana. I like your emphasis on keeping it real. I agree that motherhood is harder; I think motherhood also makes marriage harder. My favorite book about parenting is Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions.
YES YES YES... LOVE sidebar 2!!!!
I think being a mother is easier, in that as a mother there is NO question that you are the boss. In marriage, THAT job shifts all the time ;-)
Thanks for all your wonderful comments. It's such a personal issue. I agree Day that motherhood can make a marriage harder.
Louisa you are so funny with Aliens. I'm partial to Mommie Dearest!
Heidi thanks for getting me with Sidebar #2! As for being the boss? only until they are teen. Sigh. But both jobs shift all the time.
Each has its challenges, right? My husband is my favorite person ever, and my children are my joy.
With marriage, there came a point where I realized that we would be together forever. With motherhood, there came a point where I realized that one day they were going to leave me forever. Each one, a sweet and salty forever.
Oh, I had to come back to see the comments.
So many great ones, that Deidre left a tear jerker of a comment.
Patrica thanks for coming back. It's all so good.
Deidre you really hit the nail on the head with your comments. Thanks so much. I often look forward with anticipation and pain to the moment when my children will leave me. It's such a struggle. And marriage is forever. You should look on it as the rest of your life.
Favorite Parenthood movie? Parenthood...it's a rollercoaster....so you better like rollercoasters. Very thought provoking post. Marriage really does change so much as you travel through it. Mine has gotten to be so much better over the years. I began to relax after I realized he wasn't going anywhere. Then he relaxed....and now we are such a team....just in time for the hardest years ever: teenage.
Ooh. That's a tough question.
Married 10 years with two little ones. I'd say that if the marriage wasn't fundamentally strong before the kiddos come along..it's easy to strain.
With that said, motherhood is easier in the early stages (meaning...no more breastfeeding and general function is an assumption). I'll assume also that this will totally change as they grow up. :-)
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